Everyone settle in and hold onto your panties because today we have the Lady-Like Pervert guest posting for us!
Can I just say that in a duel my 'gina would totally kick your 'gina's ass?! She's buff, she's strong and she can shoot a marble straight across the room (undetermined but totally plausible).
No doubt, this will be one of those posts that I later shake my head at and think "Woman, what were you thinking!?" Until then, I will shamelessly detail what I am referring to as my Ben Wa Wednesday!
The other day, the UPS man who frequently delivers boxes and packages to my house (normally full of golf paraphernalia for my husband) arrived on my porch with a nondescript cardboard box from www.pinkcherry.com... let's call him Reindeer. In the box were several items from my partner Nancy at Pink Cherry... let's call her Elf. Santa's little helper had emailed me a few days prior and told me that my wishlist had been received at the North Pole and that despite appearing on his Naughty list several times, Santa thought I was foxy and was going to grant me my items regardless.
In the traditional Christmas story about a little girl who catches Santa by her tree, Santa gives Sally a wink before wishing her a Merry Christmas and shooting up the chimney and out of sight. I kid you not, UPS man gave me the same wink before wishing me a good day and darted down my driveway. Like a little girl, I squealed as I carried the box into my home, shaking it close to my ear attempting to identify the contents inside. Those contents included several items from my wishlist, one of which were a set of genuine bona-fide Ben Wa balls.
When I wrote to Santa this year, I intentionally asked for toys that were outside of my comfort zone and were experimental in nature. I will review and blog each of those items, the first of which are the Ben Wa balls.
Ben Wa Balls have been around since about 500 A.D, initially used by Geisha in the orient. I chose the traditional basic version which are essentially two small marble-sized steel balls.The feeling of the balls floating freely in the vagina and constantly massaging the vaginal walls are said to cause intense sexual arousal. To keep them in, you have to flex your PC muscles constantly which is great for rebuilding relaxed tissues.
Ok... back to me.
Last night my galpals and I were out for sushi and discussing the next day's pending adventure.
"I'm going to attempt to carry those bad boys around all day!" I boast. "I'm just not sure how I am going to pee with them in!"
Beth tries to rationalize and concludes, "The muscles you will be flexing are the same ones you will need to push out your pee!" Hm...dilemma.
"I know! If those things pop out while I'm peeing, I am not sticking my hand in the toilet at work to retrieve them! Flush! Bye bye Ben Wa balls!" I'm waving.
Laughing before the words have left her mouth, the wise and resourceful Kristen advises, "You should just pee through a strainer."
Ha ha ha... Kristen!
So this morning I wake up, and while the rest of my family sleeps, I jump in the shower and slough away all of my sleep with a raspberry-almond smelly soap set. Still naked, but towelled off, I tip toe over to the closet and retrieve my project for the day. Hubby has snuck out of bed, so I call down the stairs to him, "Can you google how high I should stick them?"
(Henceforth I hang my head in embarrassment, but I will soldier on and be candid. Faint of heart, please turn back now)
Naked, I lay back on my bed, Hubby perched at the best seat in the house."Here goes nothing!" I say.
I place one of the balls barely inside my vagina, so that it is still peaking out, then give it a gentle push. Whish, it disappears.
Wide eyed and astonished, I exclaim to Mr. Perv, "Did you see that?? My pussy was like a vortex! It just whooshed and sucked it up!!" I'm convinced this is about the coolest I have ever seen and judging from the look on Hubby's face, it's cooler than that.
I place the next one. Gentle push, but it just sits there. Hm. "I can still see it..." Hubby commentates. This time I have to push it in and up with my finger.
"Wowww...." He says softly.
I get up and move around and report that it feels kind of like a tampon but colder. I get dressed and several times I feel those little buggers sliding out. Oh no you don't, and I stuff them back up there.
"You gotta squeeze to keep them in!" Mr. Penis says to Mrs.Vagina. No shit! I know that and I'm trying! Only every time I squeeze I end up pushing them out! I had two kids via c-section, I'm 34 years old and wear junior, sometimes regular Tampax Pearls, basically I am strong as an Ox down there and if I sneeze I'm about to shoot someone's eye out!
"I'm trying! I can't get them up high enough, my finger's not long enough."
Screw it. I grab the first thing in my reach, and since I was mid-makeup application, it happened to be my mascara. I give him an I-can't believe-I-am-about-to-do-this look, prop one leg up on the counter and slide my mascara into my girlie parts, successfully placing the balls nice and high and snug as a bug.
Clenched and contracted, I start my day. I find the parking spot at work that is closest to the door and scuttle to my office, walking through the halls like a woman with a pickle stuck up her ass.
It's roughly 9:00am and I'm wondering when the horny sensations are going to kick in. If it's possible to be tired from squeezing your vag, then yes I am. Or maybe I'm just annoyed. Regardless, I'm standing in the photocopy room conversing with two of my colleagues when I get an Uh-oh moment. I stop my sentence mid-flow and glaze over. Colleague A looks at Colleague B with a what-is-she-doing face, and I slowly start to shimmy from the room leaving them speechless. I wore pants intentionally today but have visions of a marble scooting out my pant leg and across the copy room floor.
Alone in the washroom, I retrieve the first ball no problem, but have to fish the other one out with my finger. I'm laughing at myself in the bathroom and praying no one can hear me.
Ball-free, I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Back to work, busy busy bee.
Hmmm... I shift my hips around in my chair and am aware of very pleasant sensations emulating from my nether regions. Half an hour later, I'm still feeling pleasantly stimulated and actually a little moist down there.
Well I'll be damned...
Here is my conclusion: These Ben Wa bastards were a bit of a pain in my ass. I was constantly distracted from my daily tasks in fear I would unclench and have them pop right out of me. However, once those buggers were removed, very cool things started happening. The clenching and squeezing obviously sent extra blood flow to my pelvis for several hours. By lunch time, I am attempting to focus on various professional tasks, but my senses are more than a little erotically heightened. I decide to eat lunch alone in my office with the door closed... I'm way too horny to be released into the wild.