Monday, January 31, 2011

Lady-Like Pervert's Ben Wa Balls

Everyone settle in and hold onto your panties because today we have the Lady-Like Pervert guest posting for us!

Lady-Like Pervert

Can I just say that in a duel my 'gina would totally kick your 'gina's ass?! She's buff, she's strong and she can shoot a marble straight across the room (undetermined but totally plausible).

No doubt, this will be one of those posts that I later shake my head at and think "Woman, what were you thinking!?" Until then, I will shamelessly detail what I am referring to as my Ben Wa Wednesday!

The other day, the UPS man who frequently delivers boxes and packages to my house (normally full of golf paraphernalia for my husband) arrived on my porch with a nondescript cardboard box from let's call him Reindeer. In the box were several items from my partner Nancy at Pink Cherry... let's call her Elf. Santa's little helper had emailed me a few days prior and told me that my wishlist had been received at the North Pole and that despite appearing on his Naughty list several times, Santa thought I was foxy and was going to grant me my items regardless.

In the traditional Christmas story about a little girl who catches Santa by her tree, Santa gives Sally a wink before wishing her a Merry Christmas and shooting up the chimney and out of sight. I kid you not, UPS man gave me the same wink before wishing me a good day and darted down my driveway.
Like a little girl, I squealed as I carried the box into my home, shaking it close to my ear attempting to identify the contents inside. Those contents included several items from my wishlist, one of which were a set of genuine bona-fide Ben Wa balls.

When I wrote to Santa this year, I intentionally asked for toys that were outside of my comfort zone and were experimental in nature. I will review and blog each of those items, the first of which are the Ben Wa balls.
Ben Wa Balls have been around since about 500 A.D, initially used by Geisha in the orient. I chose the traditional basic version which are essentially two small marble-sized steel balls.The feeling of the balls floating freely in the vagina and constantly massaging the vaginal walls are said to cause intense sexual arousal. To keep them in, you have to flex your PC muscles constantly which is great for rebuilding relaxed tissues.

Ok... back to me.

Last night my galpals and I were out for sushi and discussing the next day's pending adventure.

"I'm going to attempt to carry those bad boys around all day!" I boast. "I'm just not sure how I am going to pee with them in!"
Beth tries to rationalize and concludes, "The muscles you will be flexing are the same ones you will need to push out your pee!" Hm...dilemma.

"I know! If those things pop out while I'm peeing, I am not sticking my hand in the toilet at work to retrieve them! Flush! Bye bye Ben Wa balls!" I'm waving.

Laughing before the words have left her mouth, the wise and resourceful Kristen advises, "You should just pee through a strainer."

Ha ha ha... Kristen!

So this morning I wake up, and while the rest of my family sleeps, I jump in the shower and slough away all of my sleep with a raspberry-almond smelly soap set. Still naked, but towelled off, I tip toe over to the closet and retrieve my project for the day. Hubby has snuck out of bed, so I call down the stairs to him, "Can you google how high I should stick them?"
(Henceforth I hang my head in embarrassment, but I will soldier on and be candid. Faint of heart, please turn back now)

Naked, I lay back on my bed, Hubby perched at the best seat in the house."Here goes nothing!" I say.
I place one of the balls barely inside my vagina, so that it is still peaking out, then give it a gentle push. Whish, it disappears.

Wide eyed and astonished, I exclaim to Mr. Perv, "Did you see that?? My pussy was like a vortex! It just whooshed and sucked it up!!" I'm convinced this is about the coolest I have ever seen and judging from the look on Hubby's face, it's cooler than that.

I place the next one. Gentle push, but it just sits there. Hm. "I can still see it..." Hubby commentates. This time I have to push it in and up with my finger.

"Wowww...." He says softly.

I get up and move around and report that it feels kind of like a tampon but colder. I get dressed and several times I feel those little buggers sliding out. Oh no you don't, and I stuff them back up there.
"You gotta squeeze to keep them in!" Mr. Penis says to Mrs.Vagina. No shit! I know that and I'm trying! Only every time I squeeze I end up pushing them out! I had two kids via c-section, I'm 34 years old and wear junior, sometimes regular Tampax Pearls, basically I am strong as an Ox down there and if I sneeze I'm about to shoot someone's eye out!

"I'm trying! I can't get them up high enough, my finger's not long enough."
Screw it. I grab the first thing in my reach, and since I was mid-makeup application, it happened to be my mascara. I give him an I-can't believe-I-am-about-to-do-this look, prop one leg up on the counter and slide my mascara into my girlie parts, successfully placing the balls nice and high and snug as a bug.

Clenched and contracted, I start my day. I find the parking spot at work that is closest to the door and scuttle to my office, walking through the halls like a woman with a pickle stuck up her ass.

It's roughly 9:00am and I'm wondering when the horny sensations are going to kick in. If it's possible to be tired from squeezing your vag, then yes I am. Or maybe I'm just annoyed. Regardless, I'm standing in the photocopy room conversing with two of my colleagues when I get an Uh-oh moment. I stop my sentence mid-flow and glaze over. Colleague A looks at Colleague B with a what-is-she-doing face, and I slowly start to shimmy from the room leaving them speechless. I wore pants intentionally today but have visions of a marble scooting out my pant leg and across the copy room floor.

Alone in the washroom, I retrieve the first ball no problem, but have to fish the other one out with my finger. I'm laughing at myself in the bathroom and praying no one can hear me.
Ball-free, I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Back to work, busy busy bee.
Hmmm... I shift my hips around in my chair and am aware of very pleasant sensations emulating from my nether regions. Half an hour later, I'm still feeling pleasantly stimulated and actually a little moist down there. 

Well I'll be damned...

Here is my conclusion: These Ben Wa bastards were a bit of a pain in my ass. I was constantly distracted from my daily tasks in fear I would unclench and have them pop right out of me. However, once those buggers were removed, very cool things started happening. The clenching and squeezing obviously sent extra blood flow to my pelvis for several hours. By lunch time, I am attempting to focus on various professional tasks, but my senses are more than a little erotically heightened. I decide to eat lunch alone in my office with the door closed... I'm way too horny to be released into the wild.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Wicked Wednesday with the Bad Girls

One Crazy Brunette Chick

Alright ladies, it's Wednesday! This week I want to hear about everyone's favorite Bad Girl. Maybe it's your sister or your best friend. It may be a celebrity, or a fictional character that only exists in cartoons or a movie! Pick you're favorite bad ass and link-up! Don't forget the button!

My favorite Bad Girl of all time has got to be Mae West! The woman embraced her sexuality and her inner bitch like nobody's business! I mean, it takes something to produce a Broadway show that gets you arrested for corrupting the morals of youth!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Top 10 Reasons....

Top Ten Reasons why I'm not doing a Top Ten..... wait.....

10. I'm too tired to come up with anything amusing today.

9. I've only had one cup of coffee.

8. My stomach hurts, and I'm a little grouchy.

7. I'm working *gasp* and I promised myself I'd be more on top of things this year (and yet...)

6. I was running late this morning and that always fucks my day up.

5. There was no BSF on Friday. It's thrown me way off, the world just isn't tilting right on it's axis or something.

4. Did I mention all the work on my desk already?

3. I haven't even put my face on yet! (Yes I'm at work, I know you are judging right now, and it's ok.)

2. I need to go get a second cup of coffee.

1. Ultimately, no one has a gun to my head, and I kinda just don't feel like it.

I'll do better next week, and I promise there will be a Wicked Wednesday tomorrow. Don't forget we like to run guest posts on Mondays, so if you think you're worthy just drop us an e-mail and we'll feature your brilliance!

I'm out!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Top Ten Ways to Get Rid of the Winter Blues!

Alright so when it took me twenty minutes to de-ice my car this morning, I was really feeling the winter blues. I know some parts of the world may not be dealing with the drastic weather, but its still that time of year when the holidays are over and every gal gets kinda bummed. So here's ten tips to get you back into gear and ready to face the cold and snow head on!

1. Take a bath with TONS of bubbles. Its the cheap way to feel pampered and refreshed- grab your favorite bubble bath, I'm loving the Peppermint Bark scented bath bubbles from Philosophy.

2. Maybe before you hop into your warm bath tub- pick out your fav songs on your ipod to create an ultimate playlist that will help you unwind and de-stress.

3. Set your DVR or Tivo or whatever to record your guilty pleasure show (mine's Jerseylicious! hehe). Grab a fleece blanket (or snuggie), some popcorn and press play!

4. Make it a Venti! Yeah, yeah- I hear everyday that Starbucks is bad for you, but who cares every once in awhile! Order your go-to hot beverage and take a load off whether you like to people watch or skim a magazine, there's nothing like warm coffee in the winter!

5. If you can force yourself- get to the gym and sweat it out! The walk/drive to the gym is a daunting task, but once you hit "Quick-Start" you've one half the battle and after it's over, you feel so accomplished! Get 'em girl!

6. Stop and breathe ladies! So many times when I try to relax, I have a million fucking things on my mind from work that I can't even enjoy the show I'm watching- take several deep breaths in and out, as many as it takes for you to not be thinking about that one last thing you need to change on that work report.

7. Online shopping- no fitting rooms, no over-crowded parking lots, just pure point and click pleasure!

8. Chat with a long lost gal-pal. Stop sending her to voicemail because you don't have enough time- make time, having someone new to vent to can really be liberating. Your pal can give you a fresh take on your everyday probs and it will feel great to catch up too!

9. Go ahead, buy that brand new Cosmo Mag. I know, its over-priced and sometimes you get a repeat article, but those crisp, untouched pages feel amazing when you first crack it open! The bright colors and naughty talk can do wonders for your bad girl spirit!

10. Get your favorite little toy (battery powered, man, chick, whoever)- and get your SEX on! -this one's my favorite ;)

And its back to defrosting my car tomorrow morning! Lata Bad Girls.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wicked Wednesday

One Crazy Brunette Chick

It's Wednesday and I hate letting the week go by without a chance to hear your wicked stories! Today is a free for all. Tell me a wicked story and make it good. That is all. Don't Suck and link the fuck up!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Five Things you DON'T need!

I'm not overly inspired today so you get a Top Five instead of a Top Ten. Cry somewhere else.

So I've got these sisters who are overly reliant on gadgets and such that they really don't need. In fact, I'm told that I do things, "the old-fashioned way"...... you mean the way that saves me money because I don't buy things I don't need? Yes, yes I do.

Five things you DON'T need:

5. Dishwasher. Don't stop reading! I don't have one and I want one. They make life soo much easier. But I've watched a sister pout because the dishwasher was running and set a single dish (that wasn't all that dirty) in the sink and walk away. Soap, a sponge or washcloth, and hot water will in fact wash your dishes. There is never a need to leave dishes in the sink when you have company just because the dishwasher is full. Just Sayin'.
4. Bread Maker. People have simply used loaf pans and ovens for years. Much less storage space, same results.
3. Electric Mixing Bowls. Great for Martha and Rachel, but the average kitchen doesn't really need them. Beaters, Whisks and Spoons will get the job done.
2. A Fry Daddy. I was making french fries last summer to go with our burgers and one of my grown sisters asked how I made fries without a fry daddy! A large boiler pot and oil! I really don't understand! Same process, easier cleaning, and you don't need to take up counter space like that!
1. An Iced Tea Maker. I've tried to tell my 14 year old sister before that the best way to brew tea is in a boiler on the stove. Not to mention you already have a pot and a stove. Why do you need another gadget taking up cabinet space?! Besides, you can always use the coffee pot if you don't want to fool with a stove. (You DO need a coffeepot.)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Lady Estrogen's Pleasurable Experience

Hold onto your pants cause today we have Lady Estrogen guest posting for us! Check out her site and never-ending supply of awesome stories.

Adventures in Estrogen

One of the guys that we hung around with on campus reeked of ‘coolness’. He was brown and yummy – but completely not my type. For starters, he was a tiny guy – like I could snap him in half if I tried to ride him like a bronco. He had a strong jaw line and soft round lips; he was definitely attractive and I always loved to appreciate boys of beauty, even if I couldn’t picture myself actually screwing them.

He was fully aware of his own cuteness factor, there was no doubt. His flirting angle was the ‘cuddly baby bear’ move and he would give out hugs left, right and center – hugs that were accompanied by ‘fuck me’ eye pouts and pursed, moist lips. Some nights he would cuddle up to me on the couch like he was my pet, my sexy, sexy pet – but it was still completely, 100% plutonic – not even a whiff of sexual tension existed between us.

One night we had taken to our individual rooms to study before exams begun. He came over for a visit, not just with me, but the entire house of us girls. He was like the non-threatening fox to our hen house. He came into my room and sat on my bed; he could see that I was stressed.

“Come over here. I have the wickedest hand massage technique I can do for you. Not only will it help you relax, but it’s been known to make some women climax!” He grinned and raised his one eyebrow while I glared at him. OK. So, that declaration caught my interest.

The rooms were more like prison cells; just enough space for a single bed, a desk and dresser... and nothing more. Unlike normal bedroom situations, the beds on campus were often used just for hanging out and chatting – there wasn’t anywhere else – so I joined him on the bed, still with no sexual inclinations.

He began to massage my hand and yes, it was fucking fantastic. I wasn’t quite feeling my clitoris swelling or anything, but it was definitely sensual. I could tell he was enjoying giving me this pleasure – he loved women, all women. He gave me another smile and while continuing to massage me with one hand, he started to rub himself with his other hand. I didn’t recoil in disgust, so he took that as his queue to take it one step further and he put his hand down his pants and began to masturbate. He wore fairly baggy jeans, so it was easy for him to perform this act without having to undress. I was wearing jogging pants and as I sat on my bed with my legs kiddie-crossed I took my free hand and began to masturbate as well. He released my hand and we both focused on satisfying ourselves, however constantly making eye contact that was deep and intense.

He grabbed my hand again and held it tightly while he climaxed. I was so fucking turned on and I came shortly after. We both moaned really quietly, together, and then we started to giggle.

We never got undressed.
We never saw each others’ bodies.
Apart from the hand massage, we didn't touch each other.
We never even kissed.

It was one of the most unexpected and bizarre yet hottest sexual experiences of my life – and we never spoke of it again after that night.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Top Ten Tuesday: Cartoons

So I thought it might be fun to talk about some of the bad ass chicks of the animated world.
10. Smurfette! She's blue, she's blonde, and she gets what she wants.
9. Strawberry Shortcake. The original. Whoever decided to give this girl a makeover really needs to be taken to the mat for it.
8. Lucy. She had a hold on capitalism from an early age, and she knew how to stay in control ;)
7. Snow White. She lived with seven men and came out to tell about it. Can you imagine?
6. Judy Jetson. Always in love, and ever the whiny teenager. The show wouldn't have been the same without her.
5. Carmen Sandiego. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego! Yeah, I still get that jingle stuck in my head to this day!
4. Tinkerbell. Sassy little fireball. Another woman who knew how to run a tight ship.
3. Betty Boop. A sexy bombshell with generous hips and tight curls? Of course I love her! Do you guys remember the episodes where she had red hair?
2. Jem. She was rocking the music world with style. I mean, the hair alone!
1. Rainbow Brite. This girl was awesome. I always wanted my own Starlite :)

Saturday, January 1, 2011